Commander Cherry. Just what are you, and what insane and quite frankly bizarre mind did you get created in? I mean, I have never played such a strange game in all my life, and I have played some pretty strange games. But this? Just wow. If someone ever says to you that narcotics were involved, you would probably believe them, it is just that weird.
This is a game that utilizes the controller and Kinect, just like FRU did, which is a more recent release. But does it do a good job? Short answer, no. Is it a fun game to play? No. Would you want to spend your money on it? No. You would rather throw your money down a wishing well, in the vain hope of your wish coming true than playing what is easily the worst game that has been released on the Xbox One so far. Whoever gave the go ahead for this game to be allowed onto console has obviously received a frontal lobe lobotomy.
If you have ever played a flash game in your browser, you will know the quality of them games does not exist in our universe. They are just awful, and if you have played them, I am sorry for the loss of vital moments of your life that you will never get back. Now, Commander Cherry makes these games look like works of art in comparison. His Puzzled Journey? I’d say. He’s probably confused as hell as to why his space ship is a steak and he is a cherry. He also has to collect bananas, and has some weird vegetable creature that gives him advice via wooden signs. Honestly, it is getting beyond weird now.
The game controls are abysmal in every sense of the word. They don’t respond as they should, and when you see the hapless Commander fall off a platform and die, you can’t help but smile and hope that he will take the hint and not bother respawning. Just to o you a favour, but no, that smug little cherry keeps coming back to taunt you. What made this game unique, is that the Kinect takes a snapshot of you in various poses to create a platform to advance through the level. But it doesn’t work, like a benefit scrounger with 15 kids. I constantly had to retake my pictures, as when I press the button to take them, an image of me would just vanish. You need a perfect run through each level to get an achievement. I just don’t see me doing that for several reasons.
Level designs are just awful at best. It looks like it was made in the Commodore 64 version of Microsoft paint, by a quadriplegic hamster. Unfinished, ugly, and a total insult to those of us lucky to have eyesight. My eyesight isn’t all that good, and I was insulted by the sight of this atrocity. The levels have no theme I am capable of recognising, and it just seems thrown together 5 minutes before it was due to release, whilst they were drunk. What they could have been drinking I don’t know. Probably white spirits.
Music and sound effects. How I want to type haha constantly for this section. But that just wont do. I ended up turning the volume down so I didn’t have to listen to a voice that I just can’t describe how annoying it is. There just don’t appear to be any words how annoying hearing the word Yogawesome is when you perfect a puzzle section with your Kinect. Honestly, by this point I was becoming rapidly jealous of the deaf and blind. They don’t know of the existence of this utter garbage, and they are currently infinitely happier than me. I deserve compensation for playing this. I have spent several hours making my bad back worse, by trying to get an image of me on-screen so I can pointlessly play this.
I have very little to say about this “game”, and absolutely nothing whatsoever to say that is good. If you want to play a cruel trick on someone, buy them this as a birthday present. I am not responsible for the termination of said friendship. But about the only way to get a laugh from it. If you want to be uber cruel, unlock an achievement on their profile, so it is stuck on there forever. Actually, they will probably do something even crueler back to you. Like buy you Celine Dion’s latest album with Barbara Streisand duets just to get back at you.
This paragraph will list things I would rather do than play it again. Pretty much anything to be fair. Name it, and I guarantee I would rather do it. I can’t believe I despise a game so much. I have avoided games that I would hate pretty well in the past, but today, I have met my match, and been caught out with this abomination to man, life, the planet Earth, and to the Universe. ET for the Atari has a new friend, and they can go away to some far reaches of the Universe, and hang out together until time itself ceases to exist.
Overall, graphics, gameplay, anything audible just offend every sense. There are no redeeming features of this shocker of a game. This is a name that will be brought up when people look back in 10 years, and say “hey, you remember the Kinect?” This is the legacy of a failing peripheral. Which is a crying shame, as FRU did it so so well. As much as I love games, and hate to award a low score, this time, I am giving Commander Cherry for Kinect the lowest score I can possibly give this steaming turd, and rightly so. Just don’t even consider it. If you do, your family and loved ones will be helping you move into your lovely padded cell within the hour.
REVIEW CODE: A complimentary Microsoft Xbox One code was provided to Bonus Stage for this review. Please send all review code enquiries to email@example.com.
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