Crazy Oafish Ultra Blocks: Big Sale’s idea really intrigued me. Honestly, fighting my way through shoppers during mad sale days sounded pretty interesting. It has been a few years since I’ve competed with fellow shoppers in physical stores, since I’ve opted to do my Boxing Day and Black Friday shopping online these past few years. This was going to be an interesting experience
I can’t even begin to explain how interesting it was. So the premise is simple: you have a checklist of items to buy, buy these items, and lastly get the hell out of the shopping complex. There’s minimal instructions, so I really didn’t know what to expect. It also doesn’t help that sometimes things were buggy and glitchy. I had no idea what was going on for a good while until I thought to bring up the key bindings so I could at least figure out what I could do.
So it became evident that things I’ll need appear in certain stores. For example, I needed a new fridge, and if I entered the appliances store, I would see a shiny new fridge at the back with a price tag on it. Everything else is not priced, so you can’t buy it. It’s straightforward, but at the same time, it does take some effort to find the items at first.
One thing I noticed upon buying my first item was that I ran out of money. I’m not quite sure why I only brought enough money to buy one item off my checklist, but it becomes clear real soon. It seems (I have yet to confirm this) that when I check something off my list, someone in the mall comes in brandishing either a gun or a blunt weapon in hopes to chase me down. Maybe it’s all these sweet deals I’ve been getting (a burger costs $100 though?). It sometimes takes them a while to get to me, and I can strategically keep them at bay for a while by getting them stuck behind a shopping cart. But sooner or later, they’ll hunt me down because of my A+ shopping tactics. Then I’ll murder them and then take their money so I can buy more stuff.
I’ve learned a few things during my time playing COUB: Big Sale. Firstly, people seem to leave porno lying around the mall. A lot of porno (maybe some may argue not enough). The first time I picked up a centerfold of some magazine, it was just lying on a potted plant. Secondly, people are literally going at it everywhere. I had to chainsaw a couple making love in the washroom (I had run out of money to buy my next item, and come on. They were in a secluded, relatively closed off room) to death. I also caught a peek of what was going on inside the “security office”. It seems like they host gang bangs pretty often, and security guards/police officers on breaks were getting lap dances. Do expect nudity in this game. Blocky, angular nudity in all its glory, I suppose.
This is such a terrible game, to be honest. When I get murdered by other crazy shoppers (who seem to get angry if you accidentally walk into them), I’m met with a screen that reads “You Loose”. Lack of spellcheck and bugs aside, I can’t help but want to explore the map more to find all the secrets and weird scenarios. There’s some dudes wearing Half Life tees, and then there’s also a doughnut shop closed down with a guy in a Santa costume being interrogated inside for a murder. I also once walked into a police officer getting rammed by a grandma with a strap-on in a toilet. The possibilities are endless.
The game is pretty short, and there’s really only 2 maps. There’s the smaller map, and the bigger one. That’s literally what they’re called. After you’ve played a few rounds, you’ll know exactly where to find the items on your checklist. And you’ll also have a better idea of where you’ll find guns, RPGs, and chainsaws. I find if you really want to finish the game, do the first two items or so and get rid of the jealous shoppers who come after your neck when you make a purchase. Then, rush the last few items and make your way out the mall so you don’t have to deal with the eventual horde that comes after you.
While the main goal may be to get all the items on your list, you can definitely find other things to do. Make up your own goals! It was pretty fun trying to get everyone in an anger-induced, murdery mode, and then take them all down with an RPG. Though don’t say I didn’t warn you about the dropped frames as the game starts to run out of memory as you aggro the whole mall.
I don’t know why such a broken game gave me the amount of fun it did. It’s definitely not expensive, so if you’re alright with a game that’s a little rough around the edges and you want to snag some good deals in a mall with murderous shoppers, give COUB: Big Sale a try!
REVIEW CODE: A complimentary PC code was provided to Brash Games for this review. Please send all review code enquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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